You know how after you’ve been on a boat or in the ocean, you can still feel yourself swaying to the waves even after you’ve planted your feet on solid ground? It’s like your body holds on to that semblance of a moment – that sensation – as it tries to find a new equilibrium?
That moment can be uncomfortable and frankly can make you feel nauseous sometimes.
I kind of feel like I’ve been living in that space lately – not quite drifting off to sea but not quite on solid ground either. Maybe it’s the after-effects of unplugging for a month, the uncomfortable feelings and lessons still wiggling its way into the spaces in between and trying to settle somewhere. I’m still trying to figure out how to maintain a sense of connection and a lighter load without filling up the “holes” in my life with busyness.
You see, I’m a bit on the cusp of starting something new – something that I’m really excited about and really scared of at the same time. Is it possible for those two emotions to co-exist?
If it isn’t abundantly clear, I’m very much a Type A person. I like things planned out. I like clear direction. I don’t deal well with fuzzy and murky and striking out on my own path. The first time that I stepped away from my “chosen” path, I had just graduated from college. I was pre-med and had every intention of going to medical school because that’s what I studied and I had good MCAT scores. How could I waste good MCAT scores?
But I found my way to an internet start-up and then to public policy school because I wanted to get back to the work that I loved in the nonprofit and public sector. For the past 10 years, I’ve had a good career working for nonprofits and have been able to build a life that meets my needs and my family’s needs.
Over the past year, I decided to take another step away from my consulting work and a step towards writing and something in the health and fitness field. The thing is, this move towards something that I’m more passionate about? It’s not safe or secure. It also conflicts with the notion of what’s an acceptable career that has been firmly ingrained in my head. I mean, it’s not in the field of medicine, law or business – the three professions that are deemed acceptable by most Asian parents (or maybe just mine?).
Next week, I start a 200-hour yoga teacher training program. OMG.
I’m excited to move forward yet I find myself being pulled back towards the need to be secure, to work and to earn money.
I have no idea what my new equilibrium will look like or how the other pieces in my life will fall into place. I’m trying hard not to rush through these uncomfortable moments and to try to just figure everything out. It’s in those spaces in between that you get a glimpse of something brilliant. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself right now.
Eventually, the swaying settles. You find your legs right underneath you and they are holding you up.
Do you embrace the spaces in between?
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