Do you ever feel like there are so many thoughts and lists of things to do and partial stories all zooming around in your head like arrows flying in multiple directions? And you try to catch them, or at least grab hold of one of those arrows or strands of thought, because you feel like if you do, at least you will have one thing to help steady you and give you direction? Or at least you can check off one thing on your to-do list?
That’s kind of what my brain has been like lately. Yes, it’s partially because of the holidays and the impending arrival of my family (so much to do!!) but I think it’s also because I’ve been letting some self-doubt creep in and play a number on my self-confidence.
There’s a lot of uncertainty about the year ahead. While that uncertainty is coupled with excitement, it’s uncertainty nonetheless. It’s a little unnerving because I don’t have a plan and I’m someone who needs a plan. At this point, I’d settle for an outline.
Saturday morning I woke up to snow drifting down from the sky. I didn’t want to wake up and I pretended not to hear the kids playing next door or my husband making breakfast in the kitchen. I finally got out of bed. I hemmed and hawed about working out. Yoga or run or stay inside the warm house? But I couldn’t pass up the chance to run in the first real snowfall we’ve had this year. Plus, I was hoping that it would bring some order and clarity to my thoughts.
Within half a block, I wanted to turn back. I wish I had worn a neck gaiter and sunglasses. Damn snow was blowing into my eyes and my neck was cold. I was afraid I was going to slip. I entered into the park and it was quiet. I turned around a curve in the park and Gym Class Heroes’ song Fighter came on through my headphones.
I’m glad I went for that run. It started to clear my mind and set my head straight. It reminded me that I am a fighter and that I want to choose joy in my life and in the moment rather than let the self-doubt take over.It reminded me that somehow, a way forward will emerge.
It also reminded me that I have to believe in myself in order to move my dreams forward. Just believing in the dream isn’t enough, right Lindsay?
My to-do list still is super long and my thoughts are still all over the place, but we’ll just take one thing at a time right?
P.S. I think that this post makes sense. Does it make sense? I hope so. I apologize for my rambling but you’re welcome for a peak inside my brain. haha.
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