I remember his floppy salt-and-pepper sprinkled hair.
I remember his round belly.
I remember sitting at the dinner table with my Mom, brother and sister and my eyes lighting up when he would walk up the stairs from the garage in time to join us for dinner.
I remember that his specialty dish was scrambled eggs with scallions, topped with some homemade Chinese XO hot sauce.
I remember sitting at the piano and singing Scarlet Ribbons (for her hair) with him.
I remember that his drink of choice was Chivas on the rocks
I remember him learning how to ski with us – around age 40 maybe?
I remember his drawings and watercolors and his love of photography and spending hours in the dark room in our basement.
I remember going to his office and helping him file patient charts. I was paid a penny for each file.
I remember I was 8 years old 28 years ago.
At least that’s what I think I remember. 28 years is a long time to hold on to memories. And memories fade and mix together with what I think I remember, stories I’ve been told, and pictures.
OK, this isn’t exactly my usual happy and lighthearted Memories Captured contribution. I was planning one of those but it felt forced and not right when my mind has really been on these memories of my Dad for the past week or so. A heavy blanket settles in around 9th, a few days before this anniversary, sometimes making breathing hard. But it lifts. It always does.
While my Dad lives in the background of my thoughts always, January is the time when I stop and try to etch those memories a bit deeper into my mind. A defense against the passage of time? Perhaps.
{Linking up with Alison and Galit for Memories Captured.}
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Lovely post. I can relate I get that heavyneas too in August the anniversary of my dads passing and again in February around his birthday. Your right though it does lift. Memories are so important to hold on to and share.
chasing joy recently posted..Make Your Mark & Win $25
Thank you. You are absolutely right – memories are important to hold on to. I don’t share them often – partially because it’s been so long but you’re right, I need to do that more.
I didn’t know. I noticed you’ve always mentioned your mother (and not your dad) and I now know why. I lost my stepmother when I was 16 and she was the closest person I ever had as a mother figure (M is named after her) and I understand that dull, heaviness that goes away sometimes and pummels you other times.
I’m glad you have crytalized memories and it’s so lovely of you to share them here. It’s hard to be that open but you will be glad you did on a day when you feel a little lost and want an anchor.
Sending you love.
PS – This made me teat up. xo
Melissa Burton recently posted..Sounds of Saturday – INXS
Thanks Melissa. I know, I don’t think that I talk about it a lot or I tend to evade the question
I’m sorry to hear about your stepmother but it’s wonderful to be able to honor her memory through M.
What a beautiful picture. This made me tear up. Beautiful memories. Xxx
Jess recently posted..Happy Monday!
Thanks Jess!
i think its good to look back and remember your dad. The beautiful memories. Keeps his spirit alive
lindsay recently posted..Weekend Encouragement
You’re right – it is good to look back and remember. I don’t consciously do it enough. Maybe because it’s been so long?
That’s tough stuff. I think it’s so great that you do have so many strong memories of him. Thanks for sharing a piece of him with us–I think it’s a great way to honor his memory.
misszippy recently posted..Off to a good start
Thanks Amanda. It’s funny. I sat down to write this and it was all those little moments that stuck out in my mind. I mean, scrambled eggs and scallions?? But I’m happy that I have those memories.
Beautiful tribute and wonderful memories.
I think you’re contributing to etching the memories a little deeper with posts like this, for you and your kids to cherish.
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..explore and discover
Thank you Kerstin. I hope so. I hope that the memories are etched a bit deeper and mostly, I hope that this gives my kids a picture of who their grandfather was.
Oh, Christine, this is so beautiful. I got teary eyed reading it… I also didn’t know this part of your story. Thinking of you this week!
Laura @ Mommy Run Fast recently posted..Houston Marathon Recap
Thank you Laura. That means a lot.
Oh sweet friend. Big hugs to you. XO
Thank you!
Christine, this is beautiful. The great thing about memories is that they can always grow with a remembered and shared story and/or picture. Memories only become better when they are tangled with others’ shared memories. Much love to you! xo
Kristen recently posted..Memories Captured – Music Feeds The Soul
Thank you Kristin. I love that idea – that memories get better when they are tangled with other shared memories. There’s a part of me that started to become sad when I couldn’t tell for sure which memories were “real” and which were based on stories and pictures. But your right, that only helps the memories to grow and to stick.
This hits very close to home. I feel every word of this post and I find it hard to fight back tears. It hasn’t been quiet that long for me but I don’t think you can ever put a time stamp on the memories. Hugs!!
katie recently posted..Another FitPregnancy Giveaway
Thank you Katie and I did think of you as I was writing this. Hugs to you too. xox
Oh Christine, I had no idea you were so young when you lost your dad. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you. This is such a beautiful post from your heart…I know what you are saying about memories mixing with stories and pictures. Sometimes I feel like I remember a certain day or event when I was younger but the truth is that it’s merely a memory of being told the story over and over again. The fact that you remember SO many details of him as you do is proof that his memory lives on completely in you. Thinking of you and your family and sending you hugs. xoxo
Michele @ Nycrunningmama recently posted..Progression Run + Explosion of Thomas the Train
Thank you Michele. It’s funny but because it’s been so long, it totally feels like it was a different life and in a way, makes it easy for me to not think about it and to separate myself from it. But it is an integral part of who I am and who I’ve become and that’s how is memory lives on. And in my boys, especially J. I see a lot of my Dad in him sometimes.
Aw friend…I’m glad you went about your post the way that you did versus writing one that didn’t feel ‘right.’ sending you lots of love as you navigate through the next few weeks of missing your dad more than ever.xoxo
Jess recently posted..Ruminations (#2 of…)
Thank you Jess. I’m glad that I did too.
This is a wonderful post. I love your memories of him – they are youthful, and albeit a more somber post tone, the memories are happy and so detailed! *e-hug*
beka @ rebecca roams recently posted..My Biggest Commitment of 2013
Thanks Beka. I was actually surprised at some of the small details that I remember.
I’m so sorry Christine
I can’t imagine losing a loved one at such a young age. Hugs to you my friend.
Maria (lift love life) recently posted..Catching up
Thank you Maria!
I couldn’t imagine loosing my father a such a young age. My mom lost her mother when she was only 10, and my neighbors lost their father when the youngest was 12. Your dad would be so proud of you and your family. He was only with you for short time, but it’s clear he had a wonderful impact on you and the direction of your life! Hugs.
Michelle recently posted..Lifestyle Photography is Hard
Thank you so much Michelle for your kind words. It means a lot.
Your memories are beautiful, and yes, I believe we need to etch them deeper – to keep them close but also so that their legacy lives on for us and our kids. Christine, I walk with you today in your memories as well as your sadness. That heavy blanket feels a little bit lighter when there is company. xo
ilene recently posted..Fifty Shades of Shades
Thank you for keeping company with me this week in spirit, in posts and in memories. xox
Hugs to you lady. What beautiful memories to hold onto.
Denise recently posted..I AM IN A BOOK! Check out Holly Daze!
Thank you Denise!
Loved this. Such a beautiful way to commemorate your dad. I love all the things you remember about him. Sending thoughts and hugs your way friend.
Andrea recently posted..VLOG: Day 3 of 7 Day Slim Down!
Thank you so much!
((hug)) this post is beautiful but sad at the same time. I am glad you wrote this and didn’t change it or hesitate there, it’s really beautiful and touching. thinkig of you! XO
jobo recently posted..Quietly.
Thank you so much my friend for your thoughts and kind words. I’m glad that I wrote it too and shared it.
Oh – beautiful words. My husband’s parents have both passed away at younger ages, and he has similar feelings around the anniversaries of their deaths. I hope January isn’t too rough for you this year – cherish your memories.
Katie E recently posted..Memories Captured: Siblings Photobooth
January’s not too bad – usually just the second week of the month but then it passes. Thank you Katie for your kind words.
Beautiful piece Christine! I’m glad you shared it with us. Memories are such a precious thing. Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs, friend!
Angela @ Happy Fit Mama recently posted..Courage + Giveaway
Thanks Angela!
Beautiful post Christine! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your dad with us. Lots of hugs coming your way!
Tamara recently posted..Low sugar and sugar free dessert recipes | we’re sweet enough
Thank you Tamara! I really appreciate it!
What beautiful memories so beautifully written.
Thanks Sarah. It helps so much to be able to write them down.
What beautiful memories and such a lovely tribute to your dad. I hope those memories will offer some comfort to you during these January days.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..Super Boy!
Thank you Kim. I really appreciate it. It does help to write down and share these memories. It helps to make things a little lighter.
Hold on to your memories, and enjoy each and every picture you have of him.
Danica
Danica Martin recently posted..Power of Pilates
Thank you so much Danica.
When I saw the photo at the top of the post I recognized it from the first time I read about your dad. I think our similar experiences with losing a parent so early was one of the first things that connected us.
I was very moved by the things you remember….especially since you were only 8. Important memories remain fresh always!
x
Martha @ MarthaWills(dot)com recently posted..Getting Published at xojanedotcom
I went searching around for another picture to post but didn’t have one handy. I know that I have photo albums full of pictures but not exactly sure where they are right now…I remember reading about your Dad that first time too and literally stopping in my tracks by the similarities. I’m glad that gave us the chance to connect.
I learned more about you in this beautiful post. Thank you for sharing something so intimate. Your memories with your Father are lovely and, yes, 28 years is a long time to not have him. I don’t know why, but I know exactly what you mean about the heavy breath. Try to go for a run to clear the heaviness, breath and be certain that his angel wings are all around you, protecting and surrounding you from the heavens above. His spirit lies in everything natural, the waves that your ride, the bird that hops closes to you as sit in the park, the rainbow that shines when you think all hope is lost, the butterfly that lands on your window sill. He is with you, always.
Lisa @ RunWiki recently posted..Kyle’s Krusade Virtual 5K, 10K and Half Marathon
Reading your comment the other morning made me cry. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the moment. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and firmly entrenched in my funk. And I read this amazing comment and you reminded me that yes, he is always with me and that brought me so much comfort. Thank you my friend for that. xox
Lovely words. Bittersweet memories are some of the most important to share, in my opinion. They keep us connected to the ephemeral side of life, which makes us treasure each moment even more deeply.
Kimberly recently posted..Memories Captured: Missed Moments (Lesson Learned)
Thank you and I love your comment. Memories do help us treasure each moment and every day.
My goodness. I just read Ilene’s post on her step dad and now yours…and my husband’s father passed away 1/16/05. His anniversary is coming, and I know my husband’s feeling it. (January is such a gloomy month for so many people.) I haven’t experienced the loss of a parent yet. I know I will one day, but for now, I cannot fathom what it’s like. I fear it, honestly. I love posts like these, though, because even though they’re painful and/or sad, they’re human and beautiful. Full of emotion, full of love, full of remembrance. Those are things that speak a lot of a person, and your remembrance of your father speaks words of who you are. “Holding on” for 28 years is not a bad thing…holding on to someone you love by remembering and having moments with them, however often you want to, is beautiful. You live your life fully while remembering who you are and who has touched your life. I love that about you.<3
Melissa @ Live, Love, & Run recently posted..Plan of attack.
Love you and your words. You’re right – holding on isn’t a bad thing. I guess that there has been a part of me that’s been worried that if I didn’t hold on tight enough. those memories would slip away. There’s a part of me that feels like I’ve been holding with a white-knuckle grip for the past 28 years. But I think that I’m learning that there’s a way to hold on that doesn’t have to feel so desperate. Thinking of you, your husband and your family this week too. xox
A wonderful post tinged with sadness.
I loved how you listed what you could remember, even the small details. How great to have those, as those make the person.
Carolyn Y recently posted..Friends Forever?
Thanks Carolyn. It is comforting to have these memories. The small details make it easier to hold on to.
This is such a lovely ode to your dad.
I’m so very honored that you chose to share it on Memories Captured!
{In Judaism we say, “May his memory be for a blessing.” And although I’m not religious, that’s what these words all felt like to me – a blessing from you to him, and to your boys when they read this when they’re older.}
This is lovely, friend.
Galit Breen recently posted..Joining the allParenting Team!
I love that Galit. Thank you for that. It is a blessing.
I lost my grandfather when I was 8 and he was like a father to me, although I do have a father, my grandfather always had and will have a special place in my life and my heart.
This is very moving and wonderful post.
warm hugs to you!
Ewa “Mom Photographer” recently posted..365 Self-Portrait Project (THE END)
Thank you for your kind words
Wonderful memories. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Christine. I’m so sorry, I can’t even imagine how hard it must be like every year, on this day. Thank you for sharing your memories with us.
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured – January Linkup
I am grateful for the chance to consciously capture these memories. I don’t do it enough or as often as I should so thank you.
These tributes, opportunities to capture memories, share them, and pass them along to the future are among my reasons for blogging. Thank you for sharing this. My heart is with you.
Kimberly Speranza (Sperk*) recently posted..Wednesday’s Woman: Mildred Loving
Thank you for sharing my memory with me. You are absolutely right and I am forever grateful for this opportunity to capture these memories in a more concrete way and to pass them along to my kids.
Christine, I’m so sorry for your loss. This broke my heart for you. I’m glad you decided to share what was on your heat because it was beautiful. Thank you for sharing your dad with us.
Adrienne recently posted..Is This Just Hammer Pants?
Thank you Adrienne. I’m glad that I decided to share it here too.
Oh, Christine. Those memories are precious, priceless.
Greta @gfunkified recently posted..Bicker Like Sisters #iPPP
Thank you Greta. I haven’t thought about them in a while, at least not in a conscious way like this. I’m glad that I had a chance to capture them.