|
| Jasper at 2.5 years old |
So, when he started protesting going to his swim class a few months ago, I wasn’t sure what to do. When he started screaming and crying on the pool deck, I was at a loss. I expected this kind of reaction when we introduced him to skiing in February. But with swimming? No way.
He gave a number of reasons for why he didn’t want to swim but I knew that something had spooked him and had started to erode his confidence. I knew that he didn’t like using the kick board but the barbells were OK. He didn’t like swimming to the deep-end but jumping off the diving platform into the deep-end was OK. He tried to coax and encourage him. We tried to bribe him. We tried everything that we could think of.
As a parent, it’s hard to watch your child lose their confidence, especially when it’s something that you know brings your child so much joy. As a parent, it’s also hard to be that parent at the pool / birthday party / playground with the screaming, kicking, whining child. My husband and I were so ready to throw in the towel, to give up and to let Jasper win this battle. I was so frustrated. I could feel the frustration pouring out of my pores. In part, it was because I love swimming and want to share that with my children.
But, since we had already committed to lessons for the summer, we decided to switch him to private lessons with his favorite swim teacher – his first teacher who he loves and practically would do anything for. If this didn’t work out, we’d give swimming a rest for a while. Since then, it’s been a slow process of rebuilding his confidence as a swimmer and making it fun again. By the second lesson, he was laughing and smiling. By the third lesson, he was using the kick board and learning to do the backstroke. I started to breathe a sigh of relief.
This experience reminded me of a few things:
- Don’t push but don’t give up. For me, I felt that it was important that Jasper keep trying. In life, he’s going to encounter many situations that he doesn’t like and that are hard but he needs to learn the skills to face those situations. Maybe that’s the Tiger Mom in me coming out but I do feel that it’s an important skill to learn. If he refused to swim and wasn’t having fun, we would have stopped the lessons and taken a break from swimming.
- Don’t underestimate the power of being silly. I swear that the reason that Jasper got back in the water and was willing to continue with his swim lessons was because his teacher is hilarious. He makes jokes and makes Jasper feel like he’s the funniest kid ever.
- It’s a big deal to conquer your fears. Celebrate the small accomplishments along the way to help to build confidence. It’s important to recognize the progress that our kids make. I know that it was a big deal that Jasper swam in the pool by himself without his teacher in the water with him and we celebrated that.
I am hopeful that this is a turning point for him. Our mantra through these last few swim lessons has been Brave and Calm. Yes, both Jasper and Mommy have to be brave and calm – the latter more so for Mommy.
How do you encourage your children when they are scared or lose their confidence? How do you build resiliency in yourself and in your kids?
{Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can’t Say}
What an excellent post. As a child who suffered from fear of water I can identify this. Bravo to you for being an awesome mom!
Thanks Heidi. It was so odd that he all of a sudden started acting so terrified about the water when he never was before. I’m glad that we stuck it out and finger crossed that we’re over the hump!
You guys are such good parents. Water can be such a frightening place to be. Even when they are little all they hear is the worry of drowning. It may not be from our own mouths but it is all around us and they hear it even when we don’t. They may not grasp it but they know it means danger. I think you guys did the right thing and didn’t push to hard just enough and by going back to an instructor that he loves, you made him feel like an important part of the decision process.
He is so stinkin’ cute!!
Thanks Kristen. You are so right and didn’t even think of that – the fact that we always talk about how dangerous it can be near or in the water. I’m sure that some of that stuck with him combined with having swallowed a bit of water, I’m sure that’s part of what spooked him. When he didn’t just dive right in during his first lesson with his favorite teacher, we knew that it was something more than just not liking his previous teacher. It’s a reminder that feelings and confidence are never set in stone.
These are some great lessons. My daughter has developed this fear of the swings on the playground. I keep gently asking her but never forcing her to get back on. It’s so hard to watch them lose their courage. Also? Your little Jasper is adorable!
Thanks Mel! It IS so hard to watch them lose their courage. But I think that all we can really do is continue to encourage them to try and hopefully they will slowly rebuild their confidence.
This post rings so true for us right now. It seems like my daughter wants to give up as soon as she starts anything. It’s tough because we want her to have the experience, but we don’t want to push. Like you, we encouraged her to finish out her session and if she wanted to continue, she could. If not, she didn’t have to go back. So far she’s doing great. Glad to hear your son is getting back into the swing of things!
It’s so hard, isn’t it?? Jasper has a tendency to give up when he tries new things, especially if he’s not good at it, and like you, I want him to have the experience and to try his best. I’m glad to hear that you daughter is doing great now. Fingers crossed for both of us!!
I loved this post. I am so glad your little man is back in the water and happy! I’m not a parent, but I can only imagine the frustration/heart ache of watching your child lose confidence when you dont know what happened to cause it.
xoxo
Thanks Charlotte and me too! I kept thinking that I wish I knew the reason why he was scared and that if I did, I could fix it because that’s what parents like to try to do
It was a huge lesson for me, as I’m sure it was for Jasper too.
Aww. So sweet…you are such an amazing mom wanting to help your son through this and share something that you enjoy so much too. Can you teach ME not to fear swimming too?
Thanks friend and I’d be happy to teach you not to fear swimming! haha. I’d probably push you in the pool…er, I mean…
How great for both of you that you perservered with patience and gentleness … win win for both of you. Wonderful post.
Thank you Elle!
You’re doing a great job and I’m so glad your approach paid off! I’d be the same way–frustrated to see my child lose confidence. But then as a parent, you can’t let that frustration show! It’s tough but you did it!
Thank you Amanda! I’m not sure I was totally successful in not letting the frustration show but I tried my best too!!
I’m glad your little guy is finding his love and confidence in the water again. We are just at the age of doing swim lessons right now so I hope it goes smoothly. I will be thinking back to your post if it doesn’t.
BTW – Jasper is so stinkin’ cute!!
Thanks Angela! I think that the key with introducing a new activity to kids is showing them that it’s fun. I hope that everything goes well when you start lessons!
First, Jasper is adorable. Too cute for words.
Second, this post is amazing. I know that we are going to reach this stage at some point with AJ. I feel blessed (in a way) that so far, he is 100% fearless when it comes to trying anything new – nothing scares him. But, it’s likely that something will eventually take away that confidence he has and then I won’t know what to do b/c I haven’t had to deal with any of this yet.
You handled it flawlessly and I’m so happy to hear that he is back in the pool having a blast =)
Thanks Michele! I’m glad he’s having fun again too. That’s the worse feeling as a parent – knowing and watching your kid NOT have fun. Love that AJ is fearless and it’s fun to watch them at that stage. I have no doubt that you will handle any situation with grace.
What amazing lessons you took away from this! I’m so glad you didn’t give up or let him give up. You are so patient and yet so encouraging to him. Awesome post!
Thanks Kristen! I’m glad that I had a chance to look back and think about this experience a little more. Hopefully I will remember these lessons moving forward
I love this – if I ever I’m a Mom, I’m going to be like you.
Thanks Charissa
MAN this one is a hard one and you rocked it.
all I ever can think to do is to stay solid, loving but firm and ensure no matter WHAT happens outside the house that the home is a safe place to fall.
xo
Love that – home is a safe place to fall. Thank you.
Seriously, you handed this so beautifully. “Don’t push but don’t give up.” I get very pushy with my kids, and it’s always out of some crazy, irrational fear I have! You worked with Jasper versus against him and because I that, you allowed him to prosper. Great job!
Thank you Ilene! I have to admit, I tend to be pushy with my kids and during the whole episode it didn’t always feel like Jasper and I were working together but glad that in the end it worked out OK.
Sounds like you handled this beautifully!
Don’t push, but don’t give up. I love that.
Thanks Shell. It’s a fine line between not pushing and not giving up for sure!!
My sister was scared of swimming b/c of a bad swim instructor…I’m a fish and always have been.
Great post, really thoughtful analysis of the issue with swimming that your son was having. My sister went through something similar- she was always the tan kid jumping in the pool, no hesitation, and never wanting to get out. At some point she got spooked and my family never pursued it. Now she is in high school and is scared of deep water in the pool and won’t go in the ocean at all. it’s sad because I feel that had we handled the situation similar to the way that you did, she would still have that passion. Don’t push and don’t give up is a good mentality for anyone, in any conflicting situation. Thanks.
Greg at Dazadi.com
Thanks Greg and thanks for sharing the story of your sister. It’s so hard to know what’s going to work in any situation and with any kid. There was a good chance that our approach was going to backfire and my son would never want to swim again. It’s a fine balance figuring out where to draw the line between pushing/encouraging and sticking with it/giving up but ultimately it does depend on the individual. Maybe it would have worked with your sister or maybe not. Who knows, right? The best we can do is try.
i bet you are helping rebuild that confidence, just by being YOU! loving, supportive, and kind.
Glad to hear he’s back in the water! He looks like he was having a lot of fun.
Yes, never underestimate the power of humor and jokes, especially with little boys!
Stopping by from SITS
What a great post! I am excited to start my son in swimming lessons soon. He just turned 2 and loves the water in small pools and the bathtub but gets a little nervous in the bigger pools. I am hoping that if we can get him in lessons, we can help him build that confidence when there is a lot more water around. I like the idea of not pushing but not giving up either, it will be a good thing for us to remember.
Saw your link on SITS, glad I stopped by! I’m glad you found success – and love that he has such a great teacher. I think teachers can really be credited with leading to so many peoples greatness and it’s amazing to see them appreciated!
My son was afraid of the water too when he first started with lessons. He had such a hard time because he loved it so much but was afraid at the same time. His coach was amazing and took it very slow with him. After a year of lessons he will be starting the swim team this week. I wanted so badly for him to take instantly to the water because I too love it that the best thing I could do was stand back and let his coach do everything. After all she was the professional and I was paying her. I am so glad that I did because I didnt push him into being more fearful. Thank you for this post.
I totally understand, our son Dinosaur was three this summer and hated the pool swimming lessons. BUT…he loved the lake we went to almost every week. It was the scary look of the pool and all the people. After a few lessons and tons of encouragement, he was jumping in and splashing like a pro. You are rignt on in your rules for helping our kids.
Happy SITS day.
Thank you Karen and I’m so glad that your son is splashing around like a pro. Thank you for stopping by on my SITS Day!
I am blessed to have, at least up until this point, not had either kid get frightened of the water. These are great tips for almost any situation where suddenly “change their mind”. I am going to apply them directly to the children’s general fear of broccoli.
thanks!
haha. Thanks Dez. You’ll have to let me know if this advice works with broccoli too. I could use some help there! Thanks for stopping by on my SITS Day!
Happy SITS day! What an adorable little man you have!!
Thank you and thank you for visiting on my SITS Day!
I really like how you appproached Jasper’s fear of swimming. I find that balance of encouraging but not pushing too hard a tricky one sometimes. I think you found just the right balance!
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..Thankful
It IS a hard balance and it was so hard to pull myself back and to give him the space that he needed but I think that made all the difference. Thank you so much for visiting on my SITS Day!
Very nicely written. Sometimes when our children need to do it on their own, I feel like I almost need to tie my hands. Speaking of swimming our oldest daughter couldn’t float. It was part of her swimming class at school. The teachers didn’t believe us and it took three sinking experiences with the teacher next to her before they stopped nagging her. For the back float they allowed here to move her hands and feet just a little and she was able to float. Enjoy your SITS Day and your swimming days.
Sheila Skillingstead recently posted..Gluten-Free Day One
Oh my gosh, really? I guess I too thought that everyone could float. It was really hard not to jump in and try to intervene or to make it all better. It took a lot of restraint. Thanks so much for helping to make my SITS Day so fabulous!
{Melinda} My son has some sensory issues so swimming was so difficult for him. Even baths were difficult! He didn’t like the feeling of water on his skin for a long time. We also did private lessons and that was a huge help. He’s older now and can’t wait to hit the pool as soon as the weather gets warm!
Happy SITS Day!
Mothering From Scratch recently posted..nothing lasts forever
Thanks Melinda for sharing your son’s story. Sometimes we do just need to take it slow and pay some more personal attention. I’m glad to hear that he enjoys swimming now! Thank you so much for helping to make my SITS so special!
Great post. I could practice a bit more brave and calm in my own life.
misssrobin recently posted..Simple Joys: My Bowl
Thanks Robin. That’s become my mantra of late.
It’s such a struggle, and it’s such a hard balance to achieve. I’m SO glad switching teachers did the trick. Sometimes, just matching the right personalities will flip the switch.
Jester Queen recently posted..Blood and Violence
You are absolutely right – matching personalities was a key part of it. I think that he also just felt overwhelmed and just needed us to stop and listen and pay attention.
Oh I’ve gone through the exact same thing with my daughter (as you know!). It’s so tough! I know the frustration and wanting to push and feeling bad about it afterward. But you are so right – don’t push but don’t give up!
Happy SITS day!
Tricia recently posted..Weekly gratitude #44 – the last weekend
Thank you so much Tricia for visiting on my SITS Day! It’s so hard to find that balance, isn’t it? But I really didn’t want him to give up. I’m just happy it didn’t backfire!!
Good for your son for getting back in the pool and doing great! My son took swimming lessons for the first time this summer and loved it! We would go to our community pool in the evenings to show Daddy what he had learned that day. We also tried to get my daughter in the pool (age 2), but she wanted no part of it. She liked the idea of it, but actually getting in was beyond her. Then while the kids and I were back in Texas visiting family, we were at my aunt’s house for a pool party. She has a beach entrance to her pool, and my daughter did great. She just wanted to be able to do it on her own.
Jenny @ Creatively Blooming recently posted..Apple Picking & A Flop
Kids are funny little things, no? I think you’re right – it’s all about being able to do it on their own and on their own terms, especially with something that is scary like swimming. I’m glad that your girl is enjoying her time in the pool. Thanks for stopping by!!
I love how your lessons could be transferred to anything, not just swimming. Great post!
Erin recently posted.."For Girls Only"–Nintendo Invites Females to the World of Video Games
Thank you Erin and thank you for stopping by on my SITS Day.
Thanks for the great post! As a swimming teacher, I can say that you did exactly the right thing! It is important for kids to overcome fears like that, especially since he loved the water perviously, and your creativity, reassurance and affirmation obviously did the job. I am so glad that you are teaching him to push through and overcome fears like that – more parents need to use your example.
Joan Merrell recently posted..Saying Goodbye with Hospice
Thank you so much Joan for your comment. Phew! I’m glad to hear that as a swim teacher, you agree with my approach! It’s so hard to tell sometimes. There was a huge part of me that just wanted to rush in and protect him but at the same time I know that it was an important lesson for him to learn as well.
I wonder what it was that spooked him in the first place? In any case, I’m glad you got him back in the water.
Classic NYer recently posted..On how epic birthday stories begin
I have no idea what spooked him but I am glad that he’s back in the water too. Thanks for stopping by on my SITS Day!
Private lesson made a difference for my son too. He still doesn’t like to swim, but he is learning to.
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Taking Time to Play- Here Come the Girls
I think that the individual attention is a huge factor, especially in an environment like the water where it’s foreign and really can be scary. I’m glad that private lessons helped with your son a bit and thank you for stopping by on my SITS day.
I do not have kids yet but these are some great tips and I am writing them down! They also sound like great advice for some adults I know
Stopping by from SITS
DjRelAt7 recently posted..Do you often think about doing something for others?
Definitely great advice for adults too!! Thanks for stopping by for my SITS Day!
What a great post! We have a little girl who loves lakes and can’t enough of them but pools frighten her like crazy. Reading posts like this are always a good reminder. Happy SITS Day to you!
Thank you Maggie and thank you for stopping by on my SITS Day!
Oh, Christine. First of all- I feel like I’ve followed you on Instagram forever and have never made it over here, which is CRAZY. Second: I can relate to this post right NOW. This is the fourth time Lotte has taken the beginner level of swim. The FOURTH TIME. She doesn’t cry, but when it comes time to swim to the wall she simply says, “No, thank you.” and latches on to the instructor’s neck. It’s this one little hump that she just can’t get past, and I wonder if private lessons, rather than the group, would do the trick. Maybe the extra attention would give her more confidence?
Good post!
I know. I feel the same way. It’s funny how that happened. Thank you for stopping by on my SITS Day.
How’s Lotte doing in classes now? At least she says, “No thank you” and doesn’t cry?
With Jasper, I thought that the peer pressure of having others in his class would push him along but it just seem to do the opposite. I think that he needed that individual attention from private lessons. Plus, he seeks out a lot personal attention and validation which he got from those private lesson.
Good advice on swimming, mine love the water! Happy SITS Day.
Whitney recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
Thanks Whitney and thanks for stopping by on my SITS Day!
Overcoming a fear is a story that can be translated into lessons for people of all ages.
Leslie McCain recently posted..The Best of Winter White
It’s definitely a lesson that I continue to learn from. Thank you so much for visiting on my SITS Day!
Glad he got over his fear. Happy belated SITS day.
Monica recently posted..Young Entrepreneurs
Thank you Monica and thanks for visiting for my SITS Day!